Moving On

It’s been a strange few years for so many reasons. I’ve felt stuck, trapped in the past. Mourning all of the people that I could have been, all the things that I could have done, should have done. Beating myself up for not living up to expectations that I set for myself when I was twenty and I didn’t understand how the world worked. Re-living old conversations, old arguments. Lost in daydreams of what might have been if I had made a different choice.

And then there was a change. So slow and creeping that I only noticed when it was already on top of me. I don’t know how to explain it except, I woke up. The daydreams weren’t enough to satisfy me anymore. I was, I am, so tired of hating myself for my past choices. Choices that I made when I didn’t know any better, and I was just trying to keep going.

It’s exhausting, living with the ghosts of your past self, and I’m too tired to keep on like this. So, I officially forgive my past self.

Past-Elanor, you were doing the best you could with what you had. You made mistakes and wrong decisions, but you learnt from them. You managed to come out of the other side as a better person. You don’t have to hold on to everything that you were and everything that you might have been. We can start again right here, without dragging the past behind us. I forgive you, and I’m ready to move forward.