Self Employed Diaries Part 3

First week of being unemployed

It’s been just over a week since I finished work and officially became unemployed, and what a week it’s been!

It started off strong, with taking myself out for breakfast dates, getting a massage, a day trip to the beach, a co-working session with my friend, and a lot of clearing out. I went through four years worth of emails, organised all of my Spotify playlists, and cleaned my skirting boards. Spent time with my parents and my boyfriend, and called my grandparents.

But the second week hasn’t started out quite so strong.

I’ve been crossing off so many tasks, but I’m starting to run out of things that are tangible. It’s easy to clean the skirting boards because they’re right there at the bottom of the wall. Just grab a cloth and go. But as the physical tasks are running out, I’m being left with more mental tasks. Intangible tasks. Things like, work out what to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I can’t go into my brain and organise my thoughts like they’re a 2019 Spotify playlist called “Emo Bangers”.

I know what I want (to be a self-employed writer) and I know what I need (to earn enough money to survive), but bridging that gap in the amount of time that it’ll take for my savings to run out is a monumental task. It was easier when it was a daydream and I didn’t have to think about the actual tasks involved in making it a reality. But now, with nothing but time and a ticking clock, the path from here to there is looking kind of rocky.

I have a few options.

1. Go all in on writing and see just how far I can get before my savings run out, and then re-evaluate (and get a job).

2. Get a part-time job to supplement my savings, and then see how far I can get.

3. Search for a full-time job and hope that I can work around a 9-5 better the next time around.

The daydreaming part of me wants to go all in and then somehow become a best-seller in 6 months, but I am aware that that is not going to happen. I don’t need to make a decision just yet, but having those options looming over me is making the day to day tasks just a bit heavier.

There’s also the issue that I’m currently battling my own brain.

I would like to go all in on the things that I love and find fulfilling, so you would think that would be a no-brainer. But all I have at the back of my mind is the worry that I’ll put my all into something and it won’t be good enough. That I’ll create the best things I’m capable of, and no one else will be interested. If I keep all these fantasies as a perfect little daydream, they can’t fail.

I know, I know all of the platitudes. You’d rather regret doing something than not doing it, your best is always good enough, practice makes perfect, blah blah blah. I know. But that doesn’t help when there’s a person inside your own head telling you not to bother even trying.

I guess I’m just at the bottom of a mountain. One step at a time. The only way is up. Etc etc.