Let's Get Tattooed!

5:15AM - First alarm goes off and I switch it off without fully waking up. It’s cold and I’m not moving until I absolutely have to.

5:45AM - I absolutely have to get up and moving. I am furious about getting out of bed.

6:05AM - I am out of the door. It’s surprisingly mild and I don’t have to scrape frost off my car (yippee). I spend 5 minutes setting up Google Maps and a podcast episode and set off into the darkness.

7:56 AM - Stop at Gloucester services and look wistfully at the bacon sandwiches. But I’ve packed breakfast to save money, so I turn away from the carby sirens and scoff leftover apple crumble in my car.

8:30 AM - Ha, everyone at the office is just starting work now and I have the day off.

9:26 AM - Finally leave the motorway and drive through lovely countryside villages. Only get caught in one road closure due to flooding.

10:13 AM - I’m 45 minutes early.

10:32 AM - Fuck it, I’m just going to go inside.

10:35 AM - Amy is already here, so we get started early.

11:02 AM - I’m stenciled, laying face down, and ready to be stabbed.

11:03 AM - 1:13 PM - Ow.

1:14 PM - First side is done! The highlights were a bitch (as usual), and I tuck into my sandwich with the enthusiasm and grace of a cat left alone with an unattended ham joint.

1:36 PM - Time to start on the next side.

1:37 PM - 15:49 PM - Ow.

15:50 PM - I promise that I am excited when Amy says we’re done, but it’s all I can do to stagger to the mirror and make appreciative noises.

15:51 PM - Try to stay upright as I get cleaned up, photographed, and wrapped.

16:13 PM - Some energy has returned to me and I say thank you in a more enthusiastic way and make it back to the car.

17:24 PM - I had told myself that I would eat dinner at home, but the thought of a burger has entered my mind and will not leave.

17:25 PM - I want a burger.

17:26 PM - I want a burger.

17:27 PM - I want a burger.

17:34 PM - I pull off at the services and get a extra-massive-large bacon double cheeseburger and scoff it in the car like a gremlin.

17:51 PM - The grease has revived me and I feel like I can make the final jaunt back up the motorway.

18:45 PM - My petrol light comes on. I consider playing petrol chicken, but the thought of crying on the side of the road when my car breaks down does not appeal to me.

18:58 PM - I fill up my car in the most passive aggressive way possible. The guy behind the till either doesn’t sense my rage or doesn’t care.

19:49 PM - I made it! I’m home!

20:08 PM - Everything has been dropped. I last long enough to change my clingfilm and brush my teeth before I’m tucked up in bed, falling asleep with Ghostbusters (1984) on in the background.